Disclaimer: The information provided here is for educational purposes only! It’s not a substitute for talking to a counselor. So that means that if you are experiencing a crisis right now – meaning you really need to talk to someone or if you are experiencing an emergency – please call the Kids’ Helpline immediately at 716-834-1144, toll free at 1-877-KIDS-400, or dial 911.

Dating violence among teens is a serious problem, although many people don’t want to talk about it.  It’s important to be able to identify the characteristics of healthy and unhealthy relationships, as well as the warning signs of dating violence.  We’ve also provided you some important information on what to do if you or a friend is in a violent relationship.  Don’t forget, you can always call the Kids’ Helpline and speak to someone who cares at 716- 834-1144 or toll free at 1-877-KIDS-400.

Statistics On Teen Dating Violence 

  An average of 28% of high school and college students experience dating violence at some point.

 26% of pregnant teens reported being physically abused by their boyfriends.  About half of them the battering began or intensified after he learned of her pregnancy.

  Victims of dating violence report the abuse takes many forms: insults, humiliation, monitoring the victim’s movements, isolation of the victim from family and friends, suicide threats, threats to harm family of property, and physical or sexual abuse.  Their abusers also blame them for the abuse, or used jealousy as an excuse.

  Violence against women occurs in 20% of dating couples.

  25-33% of adolescent abusers reported that their violence served to “intimidate, frighten or force the other person to give me something”.

  A famous survey of more than 6,000 students on 32 college campuses found that 27.5% of college-age women said that they had experienced rape or attempted rape.

  60% of teenagers have experienced some form of abuse in a dating relationship.

  Nearly 80% of girls who have been physically abused in their intimate relationships continue to date their abuser.

  More than 1 in 10 teenagers experience physical violence in their dating relationships (22% higher among college students).

  Batterers are found in all classes and types of people: rich, poor, professional, unemployed, black, white, urban and rural.

  Over 50% of all rapes are of adolescents, the majority of which are perpetrated by acquaintances or dates.

  Thirty percent of all women who are murdered in this country are killed by their husband or boyfriend.  According to a Massachusetts study, the same high percentage applied to teen women, age 15-19. 

Early Warning Signs Of Teen Dating Violence 

Are you going out with someone who…..

  Is jealous and possessive toward you. Won’t let you have friends, checks up on you, won’t accept breaking up.

  Tries to control you by being very bossy, giving orders, making all the decisions or doesn’t take your opinion seriously.

  Is scary.  You worry about how they will react to things you say or do.  Threatens you, uses or owns weapons.

  Blames you when they mistreat you.  Says you provoked them, pressed their buttons, and led them on.

  Has a history of bad relationships and blames the other person for all their problems. 

  Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you they were worried for your safety.

  Pressures you for sex, is forceful or scary around sex.  Thinks of you as a sex object.  Attempts to manipulate or guilt trip you by saying “if you really loved me you would…”  Gets too serious about the relationship too fast.

  Abuses drugs or alcohol and pressures you to take them.

  Has strict beliefs about gender roles, such as “men are strong, women are weak and passive”.

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you might be in an unhealthy relationship. Reach out for help by talking to a trusted adult, or calling the Kids’ Helpline at 716-834-1144 or toll free at 1-877-KIDS-400.  Counselors will listen to your concerns and help guide you in making some important decisions about your life.

The Different Forms Of Dating Violence

Dating violence can come in many different forms.  Listed below are just a few examples of the different forms.  If you believe that you may be experiencing violence in your relationship, please call the Kids’ Helpline at 716-834-1144 or toll free at 1-877-KIDS-400 and ask to speak to a counselor.

Physical

  Hitting, slapping, punching, kicking, burning, choking, biting, driving dangerously, pushing, blocking, etc.

Sexual

  Rape, refusing to use protection, sexual harassment, unwanted touching, forcing you to have sex with others, etc.

Emotional and/or psychological

  Manipulation, accusing you of cheating, name calling, constant criticism, etc.

Financial

  Stealing your money, harassing you at work, breaking your possessions, etc.

Danger Signs Of Abusive Relationships 

You might be in an abusive relationship if you answer yes to any of the following:

  Frightened of your partner’s temper.

  Complaisant because you are afraid to hurt partner’s feelings or afraid of partners anger.

  Having the urge to rescue partner when partner is in trouble.

  Apologizing to others for partner’s behavior when treated badly.

  Being hit, kicked, shoved or had things thrown at you by partner when he or she was jealous or angry.

  Making decisions about activities and friends according to how your partner will react.

  Drinking heavily or using drugs.

  Aware that partner has been abused as a child or has seen his/her mother abused.

  Extreme jealously-not a sign of love, sign of possessiveness and lack of trust.

  Controlling behavior-controls your time, how it is spent, who you can see or talk to, controls your money, makes decisions for you.

  Quick involvement-abuser will pressure partner to commit to the relationship in such a way that later the partner may feel very guilty when wanting to break off the relationship.

  Unrealistic expectations.

  Isolation -abuser cut off partner from all resources.

  Blames others for his or her problems -abuser makes mistakes and then blames partner, anything that goes wrong is blamed on partner.

  Blames others for feelings - “you make me mad”, “you are hurting me by not doing what I want to do”.

Dating Bill Of Rights

1. I have the right to refuse a date without feeling guilty.
2. I have the right not to be abused physically, sexually, or emotionally.
3. I have the right to equal relationships.
4. I have the right to set limits, to say “No” or “Yes”, and to change my mind if I choose, without permission from anyone else.
5. I have the right to express my feelings.
6. I have the right to have my morals, values and beliefs respected.
7. I have the right to be as open or closed as I feel comfortable.
8. I have the right to be ME, even if it is different from everyone else, or from what you want me to be. 

Source: “Man-to-Man:  When your Partner Says NO”, by Scott A. Johnson (1992). Orwell, VT: Safer Society Press.

We’ve just presented you with some pretty heavy information.  Listed above is a dating Bill of Rights.  Look it over, you should always have these rights in any dating relationship.  If you feel that your relationship may be unhealthy or if you are feeling confused about it, talk to a counselor at school, another trusted adult, your parents, or the Kids’ Helpline at         716-834-1144 or toll free at 1-877-KIDS-400.

Relationships: Additional Dating Violence Resources & Links