Ups & Downs
Relationships come in many forms, we have them with our friends, our family, and other people we care about. You may be interested in starting a romantic relationship with someone you know. If you are, here are some things to think about:
Characteristics Of Healthy Relationships
- Have fun together, enjoy the same activities, laugh together.
- Healthy communication: both talking and listening.
- Be yourself while with this person. Never try to control one another.
- You can tell your partner if something upsets you.
- You trust one another.
- You are able to forgive one another.
- You have interests outside of your relationship.
- Take responsibility for your own actions/behaviors.
- You face conflict and resolve it.
Take Our Dating Relationship Quiz!!!
Answer Yes or No to each.
| Yes | No | |
| Does your partner listen to the things you say? | ||
| Do the two of you like to do the same things? | ||
| Do your friends like whom you are dating? | ||
| Do you trust your partner? | ||
| Are you happy in your relationship? | ||
| Does your family like whom you are dating? | ||
| Does your partner respect you? | ||
| Do you talk openly in your relationship? | ||
| Does your partner respect your decisions about sex? |
Stop! Take a look at your answers. If you answered NO for any of the above questions, your relationship may not be as healthy for you as you thought. Read more below for some suggestions about what to do if your relationship feels unhealthy.
What Attitudes Stop Us From Having Good Relationships?
OK, so maybe you’re interested in someone or have had a few rocky relationships. Sometimes our attitudes get in the way and can stop us from having healthy relationships. What are they you ask? Read on.
- Low self-esteem.
- A tendency to self-isolate or avoid social situations.
- Worrying all the time.
- Feeling like you are “different” from others (We are all unique but underneath it all we are very much the same… don’t separate yourself).
- Certain negative habits (addictions, drug use, compulsions, illness).
- Too independent from others (feel that you don’t need anyone).
- Fear of failure (we all have to try before we succeed).
- Fear of rejection or being alone (if we don’t try then we are more likely to be alone than if we do try).
- Always comparing yourself with others.
- Perfectionism/ taking life too seriously/ taking too much responsibility for others (allows them to never grow up).
- Stereotyping others (prejudices).
- Jealousy (hurtful and shows lack of self confidence).
- Irresponsibility/ not taking life seriously enough.
- Dishonesty (you will lose the trust).
- Avoid making commitments. Ignoring your own needs.
- Expecting too much from others/ trying to control others.
- Never telling others how you feel.
Being in a relationship should be filled with happiness, trust and respect. If you do not feel this way in your current relationship consider why and talk with, a parent, counselor or the Kids’ Helpline at 716-834-1144 or toll free at 1(877)KIDS-400.
How To Get Someone To Notice You!
- Be yourself!!! If you try to be something you’re not, they may notice you…they may even like you. But will you like yourself? You won’t like pretending forever, we can tell you that much. Don’t ever lose yourself in a relationship, you should be able to be yourself and have fun together!!
- Keep a positive attitude!!! People like to be with others who make them smile and look at the positive. Sure we all have our moments when we need to talk and we need help with our problems. For the most part problems have a good and a bad side. For example, we all hate to lose money… but what if a poor homeless person found that $5 dollars and was able to eat for the first time in days. Think positive and others will want to be around you (including that special someone).
- Do for others!!! Helping others will build your self-confidence, enhance friendships and your generosity will attract others affections.
- Do for yourself!!! Protect yourself from obsession/infatuation rather than like/love. If you cannot think of several valid important reasons why you like someone than don’t bother… they aren’t worth the effort!!! (Valid reasons include: personality, makes you laugh, makes you smile, supports you, is considerate of your feelings, is intelligent and hard working. Invalid reasons include: they are popular, others will like you if you go out with them, they are really pretty/handsome even though they are mean etc.).
What To Do If You Get Dumped!
First of all, recognize that you are not alone, we have all been there before. Relationships have a natural process that involves being born (onset), growing up (maturing), and ending if it wasn’t meant to be. Accepting this is challenging for everyone. It is especially difficult when people are going through their first experiences with love/relationships to deal with failures and rejections. Certain emotions are common with the process of breaking up, which include:
- Denial: Refusing to admit that it’s over.
- Sorrow and grieving: Sadness and feeling a sense of loss.
- Pain and fear: Hurt and loneliness generally occur.
- Anger: Resenting your ex for the pain they caused.
- Depression: Feeling a sense of uselessness.
- Acceptance: Recognize that it’s over and moving on.
If you are aware of this process and accept these feelings as a normal way to deal with the trauma of a breakup you can begin to heal. Keep in mind that none of these stages last forever, and things will get easier with time.
How To Move On...
- Start to think about things that you like about yourself. Things that make you proud, things you have accomplished in your life,friends you have made, things you are good at, people who love you, and how you make others feel. We only have control over ourselves. If there are things about yourself that you want to change now is a good time for a personal makeover (of your soul, not your body!!)
- Do something special for yourself. Put on your favorite outfit, hang out with people who make you laugh.
- Become involved in some positive activities. Volunteer your time at a community agency. Nothing helps you get over a break up like helping others with their problems. This will help you feel good about yourself again.
- Join a school club or find a job. Keeping yourself busy with a good cause will boost your self-confidence.
- Get some exercise or play a sport. You have probably spent your entire relationship worrying about your partner, trying to make them happy… now it is your turn to get some attention. The adrenaline will help you feel better, relieve stress and keep you smiling.
Other Tips For Getting Over A Break Up
- Once the relationship is over, give each other some space. Spending time in the same social situations will only prolong the pain.
- Try writing down your thoughts, or participating in a sport or art activity. You can get everything off of your chest with out feeling embarrassed.
- Talk with someone about what you are feeling. No one should have to go through a breakup alone. You can talk to friends, family or trusted adults who you feel comfortable confiding in. If no one is available to you please call the Kids’ Helpline at 716-834-1144 or toll free at 1(877)KIDS-400, there is counselor 24 hours a day waiting to talk to you.
- Never take your friends for granted when you are in a relationship. Many kids ignore their friends once they are in a relationship and then expect them to be there and support them when the break up occurs… give respect and you shall receive it.
- When you start dating again try to maintain interests and activities that are characteristic of you… that way if the relationship doesn’t work out you don’t have to find yourself again.
How To Help Someone Who Is Going Through A Breakup
- Listen! Give them a chance to get things off of their chest, this may be all they need. Wait until they ask you questions or cool off before you say anything. Try not to say things like “Just get over it”, or “They weren’t worth it anyways”. It is much more helpful to rephrase what they have already said to let your friend know you are really listening.
- Be Supportive, but Neutral! Focus on your relationship with them and not their ex. Don’t bash the ex, the last thing they want to hear right now is that they weren’t worth the time… that is simply translated as “now I am alone and I wasted the last three months too”.
- Recognize the Intensity of their Pain! Because relationships are new to us we invest deeply and the loss is great. If your friend starts acting depressed (lack of concentration, changes in sleeping, eating or energy) and if this continues for many weeks, suggest contacting our Kids’ Helpline at 716-834-1144 or toll free at 1(877)KIDS-400 to talk or to receive a counseling referral in your area.
Why Won’t Parents Take Our Relationships Seriously?
How can we begin to be taken seriously with our childhood/adolescent relationships?
Parents continuously drop phrases like “it won’t last”, “just stop seeing them”, “get over it”, “he’s/she’s a jerk anyway”. Regardless of whether or not our relationship actually lasts it’s important to us at that time. Our feelings are as real as theirs and perhaps a bit more intense. If we get our heart broken, it really feels broken and we need some sympathy fast. If they don’t provide us with the attention we require, we stop respecting and listening to their requests and rules. This is a very dangerous response considering our parents generally have our best interests at heart.
What are some ways of gaining the support we need without getting the lectures we don’t?
First, explain to them the fact that if they don’t respect us, we find it difficult to respect them. Second, offer a compromise of behaviors and response. This means that if they begin to take us seriously and attempt to put themselves in our shoes we will do the same for them. Third, if they don’t really require every detail of your problem you could simply say: “I’ve had an awful day and I could really use a shoulder to cry on”. Let them know that you are becoming an adult and you have to start somewhere. The only way to learn is to live and that involves building friendships and relationships. Lastly, ask them about warning signs of an unhealthy relationship in advance, perhaps we can build a working knowledge of what to avoid and then we won’t get hurt as frequently.
Still confused? Call the Kids' Helpline for some assistance today at 716-834-1144 or toll free at 1(877)KIDS-400!