Rape & Sexual Assault

Most adolescent and child sexual assaults are perpetrated by someone we know or even care a great deal about. Surviving a rape or sexual assault takes a lot of courage, and sometimes the aftermath can be really hard to handle. No one should have to feel alone after an assault, whether it happened one day ago or ten years ago. This page will provide you with some information about what rape and sexual assault are, ways to lower your risk and vulnerability, and what to do if you have been assaulted. If you or someone you know is struggling with sexual assault related issues, call the Kids’ Helpline at 716-834-1144 or toll free at 1(877)KIDS-400 and ask to speak to a counselor.

What Is Rape And Sexual Assault?

Rape

Rape generally refers to forced sex without someone’s consent and against their will. What’s consent, you ask? Consent means that you agree to engage in the sexual behavior. You can only give consent by verbally agreeing or communicating to do something. There are a few conditions in the state of New York when you cannot give consent. These include:

If you are under the age of 17.
If you are intoxicated or under the influence of another substance.
If you are physically or mentally incapacitated.

Sexual assault

Sexual assault generally refers to any unwanted or unwelcomed sexual touching of your genitalia, breasts or buttocks. This includes molestation.

Coercive Behavior: A.K.A. “The Lines” Of A Date Rapist

Did you know that 65% of all sexual assaults are committed by someone we know? For teens, many times assaults occur in dating relationships. The assault often occurs after the couple have been talking or dancing for a few hours. They may be talking or kissing in a private setting when the intimacy level threatens to go beyond the comfort level. When one partner says “no”, the coercion or force begins. The two most common forms of coercion used by perpetrators are threats of ending the relationship and arguing that sex should be performed. Their “lines” might sound like this:

“You led me on
“You got yourself into this”
“Don’t be a tease”
“What’s the matter? Don’t you like me?”
“Having sex will make us closer”
“If you won’t have sex with me, this relationship is over”
“We’ve had sex before, you can’t start saying ‘no’ now”
“I know that you really want this. You say ‘no’, but you mean yes”

What To Do If Someone Tries to Force You To Have Sex

Stay calm, think logically. Figure out how safe it is to resist and assess escape options.
Say “no” firmly. Do not smile, do not apologize, and do not act friendly.
Make sure that your body language and your behavior say “no” as strongly as your verbal message says “no”.
Say, “Stop it. This is rape”. This might shock the rapist into stopping.
Act quickly. The longer you stay in the situation, the fewer your options.

If the person is unarmed: your resistance options are many. You can confront, trick or intimidate the rapist verbally. You can pretend to throw up. You can scream. You can fight back physically. You can run away.

REMEMBER: 85% of people who yell and fight back get away. People who use these tactics have a much higher chance of avoiding assault than those who plead or try to talk their way out of the situation.

If the person is armed: then your options are obviously limited. You may try to talk the rapist out of it or you may try passive resistance. You risk endangering your life if you physically resist. Escape may be an option if you can distract the rapist, but only if you are sure you can get away.

Sexual assault is never your fault!
Even if you are unable to fight back,
you have survived!
That is what is important!

What Do I Do If I’m Raped Or Sexually Assaulted?

Get safe, get help, get support...

After the attack:

Get to a safe place. Call the police as soon as possible.
Do not blame yourself. Even if you feel naïve or foolish, it is not your fault. It is the rapist’s fault.
Call a rape crisis center or hotline. In Erie County, call Crisis Services at 716-834-3131. They can provide guidance, support and medical and legal referrals.
Get medical attention as soon as possible. Do not shower, bathe or douche, no matter how much you want to. You may also need to be treated for medical injuries and tested for sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy. You can go to your local emergency room for these services.
Tell a friend you trust. You need the support of someone who cares about you.
Seek counseling and support. A professional can help you work through the emotional trauma. Call the nationwide sexual assault hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE or call the Kids' Helpline at 716-834-1144 or toll free at 1(877)KIDS-400.

Trauma

Everyone deals with the trauma of rape and sexual assault differently, but many survivors experience stages of trauma, denial and resolution. Counseling can help the survivor to work through these stages.

Fear of being alone may be most acute immediately after the attack.
Fear of men. If you were assault by a man, it is common for survivors may generalize fear, anger and suspicion onto all men.
Problems with intimacy and touch. Survivors may associate intimate contact with the assault.
Depression. Positive, supportive contact can lessen the survivor’s depression.
Fear of retaliation, especially if the survivor presses charges or has occasion to see the offender. Report any threats of retaliation to authorities.
Fear of trusting, especially as the survivor begins to be intimate again.

For Family, Friends and Partner

Knowing someone you loved has been raped or sexually assaulted can be traumatizing for you as well. While it is important to support the survivor during his or her recovery, you may also want to seek help for yourself. Helping someone through the trauma of sexual assault is trying, but you can be a great asset to him or her. Here’s how:

Believe Them: The greatest fear of rape and attempted rape survivors is that they will not be believed.

Listen: Allow them to talk through the experience at their own pace. Reassure them that you want to hear them and will listen as long as they need you to.

Comfort them: Soothe them verbally. They may want to be held and hugged or they may not want to be touched. Respect their feelings. Provide things to make them feel safe-cocoa, a blanket, and a stuffed animal.

Reinforce that the assault was not their fault: Let him or her talk out her feelings of self-blame, but help him or her to see that the assailant caused the assault, not them.

Provide protection: See that s/he has a safe place to sleep after the rape has occurred. Be available to them later on.

Call a rape crisis center or hotline: The National Sexual Assault Hotline is 1-800-656-HOPE. In Erie County, call Crisis Services at 716-834-3131. They will be able to provide you with a professional response and to advise both of you where to go and what to do next.

Encourage him or her to preserve evidence: they should not bathe, douche or wash before a medical exam. They should not change clothes. If clothes have been changed, bring them in a brown paper bag. Bring a change of clothing to the hospital.

Get medical care: they should have a thorough medical exam and be treated for any injuries and tested for sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy (if a female survivor). Treatment and evidence collection is time sensitive, try to get the survivor to the hospital as soon as possible following an assault.

Help them to organize their thoughts, but let them make their own decisions: you may share your advice, thoughts and feelings, but he or she must make the ultimate decisions. The survivor needs to regain control of his or her life.

Do not try to take the law into your own hands: talking about revenge may frighten the survivor and add an extra burden to their recovery. Focus on their need for support.

If you are their partner, use appropriate touching and language: (with their approval) to help re-establish their feelings of worth. Hugging and touching may assure them that you still care for them and do not see them as “dirty” or “damaged”. It is important to openly discuss what contact feels appropriate for the survivor and for you.

Help him or her to get psychological and legal help: Counseling can help a survivor to work through the trauma of the rape or attempted rape. She will need the advice of the police and prosecutor if she wishes to press charges.

Learn about rape trauma syndrome: You both will need to understand the various emotional reactions s/he may experience. You will be able to cope with them better if you can identify and understand them.

Get help for yourself: You may need to talk with someone other than the rape or attempted rape survivor to deal with your own thoughts and feelings. Respect his or her privacy, but take care of yourself as well as taking care of the survivor.

No one should have to deal with the trauma of sexual assault alone. Professional counseling is highly recommended for anyone effected by a rape or sexual assault. Call the Kids’ Helpline at 716-834-1144 or toll free at 1(877)KIDS-400 for referrals of counselors in your area.

Relationships: Sexual Violence Local Resources and Additional Resources & Links