Grief

Has someone you cared about recently passed away? Has an important relationship ended? Have you been unable to accomplish a personal goal or dream? Do you overwhelmed by your feelings because of this occurrence? Then you could be experiencing grief and loss. Read on for more information or call the Kids’ Helpline at 716-834-1144 or toll free at 1(877)KIDS-400, to talk to someone about your feelings.

Grief

What is grief?

Grief is when you experience the death of a significant person in your life. After you lose someone close, you may become overwhelmed with strong and confusing feelings. Some of these common feelings include:

Shock: "I can’t believe this has happened to me!"
Sadness: "I will miss this person so much."
Anger: "Why did this person have to leave?"
Guilt: "I didn’t say enough or do enough when the person was here."
No feelings: "I don’t know what to feel or what to say."

Types of deaths that can cause grief

Parent
Most children and teens don’t expect their parent to die. This type of death is shocking and frightening. A very important figure in your life is now gone. Some children who experience the death of a parent feel they need to "be strong" for their surviving parent or younger siblings. It is very important for you to feel as though you are supported instead of doing all the supporting.

Sibling
When a child or teen experiences the death of a sibling, it may disrupt a great part of their lives. There is an empty bed in your room or an empty chair at the dinner table. Your brother or sister was a part of your life in many ways and you may even miss arguing with them. During this time you may feel like you are "left out". Parents are going through their own grief and may not realize you hurt also.

Friend
Many people do not understand grieving over the death of a friend. Friendships are important to you because you have chosen to spend time with this person. It can be shocking to lose a friend and even more frustrating if you can’t talk to someone about your pain. Being able to talk about it with someone who understands may help you heal.

Pet
When your pet dies you have lost a companion, a very real part of your life. Many children and teens are afraid to talk about the death of their pet because they feel they will get teased. Because you and your pet had a relationship, grief is common.

Schoolmate/ Teacher
This can be a confusing type of grief, because you may experience emotions about a person you didn’t know as well as a friend. The student sitting next to you in class or the teacher you had two years ago has died. You may feel sad that this person has died and need to talk to someone who understands. You can experience grief at any time in your life, but no matter what age you are, grief is difficult. Counseling often helps a person to feel as though they can share intense feelings in a safe environment. Most counselors will need to know who died and what that person meant to you. Call the Kids' Helpline to talk about grieving the death of a friend or loved one. We’re always here to listen at 716-834-1144 or toll free at 1(877)KIDS-400.

The importance of ceremonies and rituals

Public
Funerals, wakes, memorials, and school fundraisers often help children and teens to connect with other people who cared about the person who has died. It gives you a chance to support others and to be supported.

Personal
You can personalize a ritual to show how much you cared about the loved one. Some common ways are to write the loved one a letter or draw them a picture. Some people write stories they remember of the loved one and keep it in a journal. Still others set aside a few minutes a day to think about the loved one.

Loss

What is loss?

Loss is when you experience a significant absence or change in your life that isn’t a death. Some losses can feel worse than a death and most are misunderstood. Common feelings include:

Shock: "I can’t believe this is happening."
Sadness: "I will miss what I had before."
Anger: "This isn’t fair!"
Guilt: "What did I do to deserve this?"
No Feelings: "I don’t know what to feel or what to say."

Types of loss

There are many types of losses that a person can experience. Two common types are loss of relationship and loss of personal goals.

Loss of relationships

Divorce or separation of parents: Even though you still have a relationship with each of your parents, a divorce or separation may change their relationship with you. Some children and teens feel like they have to "start all over" and learn how to get along with their parents in a new way. Some children and teens feel like they are "in the middle" much of the time and other times feel ignored. This loss can be a confusing and lonely experience.
Breakup with your boyfriend/girlfriend: Many times this type of loss is ignored or minimized by adults. Adults may attempt to comfort you by reminding you of all the negative things about your boyfriend/girlfriend. This is tough because you may be only thinking of the things you liked about him or her. It is important to understand that your feelings are real and you may want some support.
Loss of a Friendship: Also a misunderstood loss, the loss of a friend can be difficult for children and teens. You have lost someone that you had spent a great deal of good time with. Adults or other friends may mean well but say things that hurt like "You’ll make more friends".

Loss of personal goals

Grades: Even when you try your hardest, sometimes you may not get the grade you expected on an assignment or for the marking period. This is a loss that can affect you, especially if it seems to be happening again and again.
Club/Team: You can also experience a loss if you tryout for a club or team and don’t make it. This type of loss might be hard to explain to parents or adults, but your feelings are real.
Job: Losing or quitting your job can be difficult because a job may have given you a sense of freedom and control. You may feel a great amount of disappointment because of this loss.

Unhelpful, but unfortunately, common phrases:

"You’ll get over it."
"It’s not that big a deal."
"You’ll make a new friend."
"You’ll get a new pet."
"My loss is worse than your loss."

The best thing you can do is find someone who has these qualities:

Someone you can trust.
Who understands your situation.
Someone who listens.

Need Help?

If you find you are having a difficult time getting back to normal or have even considered taking your own life because your grief or loss is so overwhelming to you, please reach out for help.

Talk to an adult that you trust.
You might need to talk to a counselor to help you find ways to cope with your loss.
Remember you can call the Kids’ Helpline at 716-834-1144 or toll free at 1(877)KIDS-400, anytime night or day.

Grief: Local Resources